funny quotes

  • When I was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for two years.
  • Of course we will help investigating the MH17. 250 000 of our specialists have just been sent to Ukraine...
  • I'm new around here. Can I have directions to your apartment?
  • Nothing says "Let's celebrate America!" quite like drinking beer and playing with explosives.
  • What if birds aren't singing and are screaming because they're afraid of heights?
  • I have tried to upload the Netherlands vs Spain to Pornhub. But they do not allow rape.
  • Is Google a boy or girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence.
  • The England national team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said José, age 6.
  • If the entire human population held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
  • What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
  • You never appreciate what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is quite a good example.
  • Air fresheners are great! After you use them it smells like shit AND flowers...