jokes about kids

  • "Sweetie, please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him."
  • What is it called when you wake up hungover and you didn't even drink the night before? Parenting.
  • My wife and I decided not to have kids. They are taking it pretty hard.
  • Me: "Good night kids." Kids: "Good night mom." Me: "Good night bad kid-eating monsters." My husband (through radio under the bed): "Good night."
  • Today I taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
  • Drunk people, kids and leggings always tell the truth...
  • God dammit! Surprises are like Spiderman. You'll never know when and where the bitch is gonna show up...
  • A group of wolves is called a pack... ...a group of fish is called a school... ...and a group of kids is called a migraine
  • "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Is probably not the wisest way to tell your kids that they're adopted...
  • Never raise your voice at someone who taught you how to speak.
  • Respect your parents. They did high school without Google or Wikipedia.
  • Our son doesn't like to do the dishes... he started poking holes in our condoms...